I have just had an epsom salts and lavender bath. I masked my face with my sea salt and oil mask and I soaked. I needed it. The last few weeks have been hectic and yesterday it came to a head. I was becoming more and more distant from myself and my heart was screaming to be reconnected with my soul. It manifested by extreme irritability, snappiness, swearing and anger – to my loved ones (children and husband) and intense emotions to myself too. Burning the midnight oil and loading up on coffee to maintain some sense of spark in the day.
After a good short debrief with a mature experienced mother and friend I realised a few things and today I have spent a little more time and realisations on the true important things. Well – I am trying to at least.
I realised :
1. When there is NO ONE else to support you ie help with the children while you attend to some important business or need to focus it IS very difficult and instead of martyring yourself...make a plan! Ask for help. Arrange something. Or lower the expectations.
2. It is ok to break down sometimes and it is needed at times to reground and focus us. It shows our children we are human and we can apologise and explain with them afterwards in loving ways.
3.It is essential to have time for ourselves and decide how we want to invest in ourselves - as we need a pretty full or at least almost full jug to be the present, conscious and gentle parent we want to be. When you feel yourself unravelling – reach out. Or even better have something scheduled regularly so you know something is coming up when you may need it.
4. Make a choice. I realised I need to choose – if I am going to be with my children without a nanny or someone to assist with them, then I cannot do other things during that time. I need to do less and be very flexible and spontaneous with things I need to focus on so I can grab the opportunity when it arises. It is MY choice. If I am choosing to be with them – then I want to be with them joyfully and not resentfully. If I am starting to resent or get frustrated – I need to reprioritise and let go of something...or get some help with them so I can attend to what I want to without them feeling neglected or feeling my resentment.
5. I am human. I am trying. And sometimes the most I can do everyday is wake up and keep trying. So I am choosing to do less – other stuff. I want to be able to relish this time with my children as hard and challenging as it is. I want to journey this with them – a few more years – as that is all that it is until they are all grown up!
Today I meditated. I had no coffee. I had wonderful nurturing herbal tea. I played with my son. I did less. It's not perfect nor easy but it feels like I am on the right heart track again.
Whatever it takes – make the space for your heart to guide you.
Then follow it.